Star Trek 2009: The Fast and the Tiberius - Tokyo Drift

Every generation grows up hearing about how "such and such ain't what it used to be" or "they don't make 'em like that anymore." Never has this been more true than with the latest pan scrapings from the venerable Star Trek franchise, "Star Trek 2009". This guaranteed stink-bomb was directed by J.J. Abrams, the jerk who gave us such classics as Armageddon, Mission Impossible III, and the unforgettable TV series Felicity.



When I first heard about plans to take the Star Trek brand back to the future and chronicle the early careers of the original Enterprise crew, I was pleased. As a fan who grew up with James T. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, Scotty, and Uhura I was intrigued by the potential story lines. Young Ensign Kirk reprogramming the famous Kobayashi Maru training scenario, maybe? How about the origins of how Spock came to leave planet Vulcan and join Starfleet? Maybe they could get right what George Lucas got SO wrong in Phantom Menace.

Then I saw this trailer:



It boasts: THIS. IS. NOT. YOUR. FATHERS. STAR. TREK.

Yeah, it's the community college gearhead driving the jacked Toyota Camry with spoliers, skirts and tinted windows' Star Trek.

Is that Paul Walker as James Tiberius Kirk? I can't tell. And I still can't confirm if that was or wasn't Vin Diesel as Mr. Spock. I was waiting for Ludacris to show up sideshowing in a tricked-out, purple and gold Acura. What a heap of sh** this is going to be.

The real lead actor in this clunker is the idiot MTV Beach House/Gone in Sixty Seconds generation they designed this turd of a flick for. I am a fan of the original series but am by no means a "Trekkie". But I am certainly qualified to tell you how these uber-fans are going to react to this film. They are going to HATE it. Sadly, this is a movie that would have been better left unmade. But don't take my word for it. You can judge for yourself in theaters May 8th. But you'll live longer and be more prosperous if you don't.